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Life's Little Distructions
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Life's Little Destructions
bullet Never tip more than a quarter.
bullet Hum along at the concert.
bullet Signal left; turn right.
bullet Help fools part with their money.
bullet Practice the art of limp handshakes.
bullet Read other people's mail.
bullet If the mistake is in your favor, don't correct it.
bullet Use sexist innuendos to get more attention.
bullet Give little kids clothes for their birthdays.
bullet Fire people by phone.
bullet Cut people off in the middle of their sentences.
bullet Add insult to injury.
bullet Drive 50mph in the passing lane.
bullet Take more than ten items to the express checkout line.
bullet Rake the leaves into your neighbor's yard.
bullet Mumble.
bullet Ask people how much they make.
bullet Tailgate the elderly.
bullet Tell your kids to try even harder.
bullet Tear articles from magazines in the doctors waiting room.
bullet Put sticky syrup cans back in the cupboard.
bullet Leave your thumbprints on photographs.
bullet Develop a truly tasteless foul mouth.
bullet Drum your fingers during other people's presentations.
bullet Leave the price tags on presents.
bullet Don't refill the ice cube tray.
bullet Always be right.
bullet Sneer at people who try hard.
bullet Leave your supermarket cart on the street or in the parking lot.
bullet Pledge money that you won't be sending.
bullet Crack your knuckles.
bullet Reserve compliments for people who can do you some good.
bullet Treat underlings as such.
bullet Argue with everybody.
bullet Touch the paintings at the museum.
bullet Insinuate, implicate and insist.
bullet Threaten lawsuits.
bullet Pass the buck.
bullet Flaunt it.
bullet Toss pants with tissues in the pockets into the washing machine.
bullet Prevaricate, obfuscate and complicate.
bullet Record over a borrowed VCR tape.
bullet Tell people they are in your will even if they aren't.
bullet Don't get caught.
bullet Ask for a rush job except when there is a charge.
bullet When giving directions, leave out a turn or two.
bullet Dream up a special request for waiters and waitresses.
bullet Assume every umbrella is yours.
bullet Pry.
bullet Don't make up your mind.
bullet Practice passive aggression.
bullet Try whining.
bullet Remind people who lose their job that they probably should have worked harder.
bullet Accuse, confuse and refuse.
bullet Talk with your mouth full.
bullet Comment on weight gain of others.
bullet Ask her if the diamond ring is real.
bullet Keep a store of wisecracks for tense and serious occasions.
bullet If it feels good, do it.
bullet Don't give to charities unless you get something back.
bullet Add the straw that breaks the camel's back.
bullet Take but don't give phone messages.
bullet Tuck a twenty-dollar bill or two in with your driver's license so the trooper will catch the hint.
bullet Tell people what you think they want to hear.
bullet Notice good ideas and pass them off as your own.
bullet Put the gals in the office in charge of the coffee.
bullet Make jokes about terrorists at the boarding gate.
bullet See if you can be the first one off the plane even if you are sitting by the window.
bullet Put a title like Senator or Doctor before your name when making dinner or hotel reservations.
bullet Don't volunteer for the back seat and never take the middle one.
bullet Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons.
bullet Give unsolicited advice.
bullet Don't do anything until you have been asked twice.
bullet Put off tomorrow whatever you can do the day after tomorrow.
bullet Change channels without asking.
bullet Underline in other people's books.
bullet Call the wife "the little women."
bullet If you can't think of anything nice, say something nasty.
bullet Be judgmental.
bullet Focus on winning and to Hell with how you play the game.
bullet Free cable TV is only a shady electrician away.
bullet Announce when you're going to the bathroom.
bullet Hold out until the other guy gives in.
bullet Revenge is sweet; get some.
bullet Adjust your underwear in public.
bullet Curse the umpire at a Little League game.
bullet If you do something nice, make sure everyone knows about it.
bullet Bribe kids; they're easy.
bullet Needle, meddle, coddle, diddle, fiddle.
bullet Be a perfectionist in absolutely everything.
bullet Put a too cute message on your answering machine.
bullet Dish it out but don't take it.
bullet Support the death penalty.
bullet For parking violations.
bullet Apologize a lot but don't change.
bullet Change the rules to suit your needs.
bullet Lie to your therapist and sit in her chair.
bullet Repeat yourself.
bullet Repeat yourself.
bullet Don't know when to stop.
bullet Vividly describe a hysterectomy when the entree arrives.
bullet Have belching contests in restaurants.
bullet Make the same mistake twice.
bullet Pee in the swimming pool.
bullet Wear golf shoes on newly polished wooden floors.
bullet Always have an ulterior motive.
bullet Take the biggest piece.
bullet Expectorate on the sidewalk.
bullet Walk your pit bull without the leash.
bullet Forget the punch line, but don't let that stop you from telling jokes.
bullet Race the old woman for the last bus seat.
bullet Take cheap shots.
bullet Change your mind.
bullet Blame the victim.
bullet Whistle a happy tune - over and over.
bullet Be vague.
bullet Assign names to your body parts, like "winkie."
bullet Serve fish with the head still on.
bullet Tell little children the truth about Santa Claus.
bullet Get into heated arguments about the weather.
bullet Open the casket for one last look.
bullet Fart in cramped public places.
bullet Ask how people are, but don't wait for a response.
bullet Assume the authority but not the responsibility.
bullet Procrastinate and someone else will surely do it.
bullet Use more plastic.
bullet Split hairs.
bullet Cut corners.
bullet Call your spouse by the name of an old flame.
bullet Heads I win, tails you lose.
bullet Get light bulbs from the hall when you need them in the apartment.
bullet Make fun of all accents.
bullet Ask your parents and grandparents how much they plan to leave you.
bullet Tell long, boring stories.
bullet Bitch, bitch, bitch.
bullet Swear this time you mean it - really.
bullet Remind friends of stupid things they did ten years ago.
bullet Buy it, wear it, return it.
bullet Ask if a present is returnable.
bullet Call friends during the Super Bowl to talk out your problems.
bullet Don't tell vegetarians about the meat in the casserole.
bullet Keep saying, "That's nice."
bullet Brag about your new fur in a pet store.
bullet Convince other people to take risks you wouldn't touch.
bullet Eat out with friends and "forget your wallet."
bullet Be nothing if not critical.
bullet Sulk.
bullet Put everyone on the speakerphone.
bullet Refuse to have a nice day.
bullet Alternately raise and lower you voice to make people question their hearing.
bullet Keep asking, "Are we there yet?"
bullet Belittle, belabor and betray.
bullet Refuse collect calls from your family.
bullet Drink your roommates last beer.
bullet Wallow in self-pity.
bullet Make scary faces at babies.
bullet Recommend untrustworthy auto mechanics.
bullet Tell everyone they should be in therapy.
bullet Lie with statistics.
bullet Say coffee is decaf when it isn't.
bullet Wear taps on your shoes.
bullet Learn to recognize greenhorns and sitting ducks.

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